A motorcycle that never ran properly regrettably became a symbol of Rhodina’s* marriage, which also sputtered fitfully along until it eventually stopped working.

Rhodina’s husband came home one day with $500 worth of vintage motorcycle parts (a project that would balloon to $1,500) without telling her of his plan. According to Rhodina, he often made lavish purchases without consulting her — impromptu vacations with the guys or expensive tech gadgets. But with a toddler in tow and a new baby on the way, she was a bit shocked — the motorcycle was such an indulgent purchase.

He said he made his own money and he could make his own decisions on how to spend it. She said he had an oversized sense of entitlement. Despite the motorcycle, Rhodina stayed on this emotional rollercoaster for another 10 years before finally joining the approximately 25% of Canadian couples whose marriages end in divorce.1

Money fights are often cited as one of the top reasons marriages end, but it doesn’t take divorce proceedings or, for that matter, a marriage certificate for financial problems to take a toll on relationships.2 At some point, most couples will face a knotty financial problem that will test the strength of their bond. Many will work together to get through it but inevitably some will part ways. Ultimately, therapists say couples who are able to compromise, despite their differences, are more likely to lead happier, fulfilled partnerships.3

That’s not to say it’s easy. If arguing about money is upsetting an otherwise great relationship, here are a few things to consider before the conflict does long-term damage.

Your arguments may not actually be about money

Fights about money often have an underlying cause that has nothing to do with dollars and cents, says Dr. Karyn Hood, a registered clinical psychologist in private practice in Toronto.

“Issues surrounding money often tap into individual values and beliefs. Couples often fight about more than just the money — it’s what that money represents,” she says. “For some people, money equates to freedom and the ability to play in life. For others, it can represent stability, security or status.”

Both choices are equally valid but being highly critical of someone you love can show a lack of respect and trust for your partner’s decision-making. Just because you don’t agree with their spending habits or investing style, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong.

Treva Newton, Vice President, Tax and Estate Planner with TD Wealth, doesn’t usually see open conflict when she works with couples, but there are occasions when she feels there are unresolved issues just under the surface.

Newton remembers a client who expressed frustration over her husband’s private bank account, indicating that she didn’t even know how much money her husband had. This suggested the disagreement wasn’t about money, but trust.

Fortunately, trust can be built. Newton says planning together makes for better communication around money. Creating a budget and coming up with agreed-upon amounts for each other’s interests may help. Couples may also want to agree on a financial line in the sand; for example, spending above a certain value has to be a subject of discussion before the purchase can be made.

Help, I’m in love with a money mess!

"She makes more money and thinks she has more say over how we spend it."

"He regularly gives money to his sister without discussing it with me."

"I’m better at managing money than she is."

"He spends as fast as I earn it and we can’t get ahead."

"I can’t stomach her high-risk investment style."

"He resents me giving money to our kids."

Open, honest conversation is the only way forward

Dr. Hood says open, honest conversation is critical for couples who may have different views about how to spend money.

“Plan a time to sit down together and have a conversation about where you think your discrepancies lie. Look at each of your priorities and see if you can find a middle ground,” she says.

You may find, for example, that you don’t actually differ very much. For example, Dr. Hood says she once had a couple who argued about travel. One partner preferred to take exotic vacations, while the other wanted to visit family in Canada whenever they had free time. To help resolve the issue, Dr. Hood worked with the couple to find a balance between their two competing priorities. In the end, a resolution was reached. On long weekends, the couple would visit the first partner’s family, and when the couple had more than a few days off, they’d plan a larger trip. “As with any relationship, the conversation should always be about compromise,” she says.

Empathizing with your partner can pay dividends

As part of your conversations, Dr. Hood says it’s important to consider where the values being discussed are coming from. For example, if one partner was raised in a household where money was always tight, they may feel that extra money offers financial protection, not fun. If, however, the other partner grew up in a more affluent family they may not feel those constraints. To them, money might represent recreation and the ability to spend freely, because, in their experience, it’s always been abundant.

By taking the time to discuss, understand and appreciate where your partner is coming from, compromise may come easier: “Sometimes just understanding where a person’s beliefs come from can help open couples up to having more empathy towards one another,” says Dr. Hood, “an ‘aha’ moment, of sorts.” She adds that couples who are able to find this emotional generosity for one another are more likely to evolve together and find middle ground so both their needs can be met.

Seeking help isn’t defeat

If couples are still having trouble agreeing financially, a meeting with an advisor can help clarify the issue, and help chart a course of action that’s amenable to both people.

Newton gives an anecdote about a couple who were pulled in different directions over their adult children. The husband wanted to pass on shares of a stock he had inherited from his father to his children as part of his estate plan. His wife, however, was pushing for another strategy that she thought could be more tax efficient for the kids and would allow them to donate the shares to a favourite charity.

It was a classic case of head versus heart, but Newton found a compromise — half the shares would be designated to the kids. In this way, a better tax strategy was enacted while the husband still had the satisfaction of seeing his father’s shares passed down to family. But without a professional to help with providing options, the family may have been left with continuing acrimony around their estate planning and family needs.

Ultimately, conversations about money can be difficult and emotional. If your finances are a hot button issue in your relationship, you’re not alone. If, however, you can take the time to sit down with your partner and calmly work together to find a resolution, you may be surprised by your success.

As for Rhodina, she went on to meet someone new and happily re-married. Money isn’t something they quarrel about, and thankfully, neither are motorcycles.

If you have any questions about building a financial plan, speak to an advisor. And if you need support in your relationship, consider reaching out to a therapist.

*Rhodina is a pseudonym.

DON SUTTON and TAMARA YOUNG

MONEYTALK

ILLUSTRATION

DANESH MOHIUDDIN